How Can it Be a Man’s World – and Still Not Meet the Needs of Men and Boys?

"My strong, big baby boy, look at you go!" Subtly, behind the loving admiration in a mother's voice who is cheering on her baby boy, are the societal expectations that start at birth and are reinforced throughout childhood. They're everywhere; in the cartoons we watch – some filled with bright colors and joyful kittens or princesses learning valuable lessons while others feature superheroes in tight costumes, never pausing to deal with their emotions.

At school, these norms persist: with teachers who might yell, "You boys are always getting into trouble! The girls always play nice, be more like them," in a misguided attempt to encourage boys to behave differently. Though this description may seem exaggerated, research shows that children as young as 3.5 years old already display strong gender-typed play behaviors, with boys gravitating toward masculine activities and girls toward feminine ones.

These behaviors are reinforced by both adults, as parents and caregivers model and enforce traditional gender roles, and by peers who uphold these expectations. But is that inherently bad? Are boys not allowed to act like boys, and girls like girls? The short answer is: of course they are. However, the issue is more complex, as rigid gender norms have become a key factor in the mental health challenges boys face today.

The Weakness Paradox

Over the past century, feminism has played a vital role in changing societal norms, reshaping workplace culture, and advocating for legal rights, redefining women's roles in society. Meanwhile, the norms surrounding masculinity have remained largely unchanged. Dominant perceptions of masculinity ideals have historically neither allowed boys and men to act nor foster emotional vulnerability, as the conceptualization of a "real man" has been one who is stoic, tough and aggressive.

Paradoxically, the strength it takes to seek help is seen as a weakness, making it harder for men to express emotional struggles without fearing judgment. Boys are still expected to embody this rigid version of masculinity, leaving many struggling to navigate these expectations.

While some men, privileged by other masculine indicators, can show behavior or traits that at face value does not adhere to a classical understanding of masculinity, such as the Danish king crying at his wedding while wearing a military uniform, more disadvantaged boys and men still experience the limiting factor of the gender role which they are prescribed. As such the gender struggles of the masculine is inherently both intersectional and unequal.

Online communities have become a refuge for those struggling to find their place. The need for emotional support, combined with a sense of societal betrayal, has led many men to seek belonging in groups that validate their frustrations. Some of these communities focus on men's rights and shared struggles, offering connection and solidarity. However, resentment can also fester, leading some to adopt transgressive humor, harmful rhetoric, or even extremist ideologies, which invites the risk that radicalization may follow.

The Bad News and the Good News

Today's men and boys deserve better than stereotypical and uncompassionate ideas about the lone wolf "manly man", whose strength and problem-solving skills is measured in his exercise of (sometimes violent) control rather than the exercise of communication skills, team work and emotional intelligence.

Research into online abuse, including sexual harassment, illegal threats and image-based sexual abuse, suggests that perpetrators – the majority of whom are young men – struggle with effectively communicating and processing their emotions for people in which they have a romantic interest – the majority of whom are young women.

For example, men and boys who harass their female friends and acquaintances with unsolicited dickpics tend to frame it as "testing of the friendship", to see if the receiver would be open to adding a romantic or sexual aspect to the relationship. This suggests a lack of know-how on the senders' behalf to communicate their interest in a more constructive way.

Moreover, whether online or offline, men and boys are most likely to subject women and girls to abuse, threats and violence when a romantic relationship between them ends. This suggests a lack of skills when it comes to processing feelings of rejection and loss.

But that is actually the good news, because skills can be taught. In fact, adults are obligated to help youth develop necessary skills to prepare them for life as functioning, well-rounded adults who do not pose a risk to themselves or others. This is the call-to-action on which the Game Changer is founded, with the goal of meeting these boys and young men on their turf.

Why the Game Changer?

3.2 billion people play video games worldwide. Given its popularity, gaming is a particularly important venue for youth of all genders to build skills and communities, learning how to communicate with others as well as processing their own feelings. For example, having to deal with negative emotions such as loss and disappointment if expectations aren't met, can help players develop emotional resilience.

One of the first tools that the Game Changer project birthed was an interactive chatbot that helps the user "level up their sexting game". In other words, it teaches youth about how to communicate effectively about consent and boundaries, particularly with regard to sexual intimacy and nude photos.

Creating tools that develop communication skills and challenge gender norms, while carving out spaces where emotional expression is not just accepted but encouraged, has the potential of fostering emotional intelligence and empathy among men. By engaging with them in familiar environments, we aim to cultivate healthy community building—not from a position above them, but through an understanding of their world.

It is through these efforts that we can create a more inclusive society, where emotional expression is not seen as a weakness, but a strength.